Monday, March 05, 2007

Babies are Miracles

I have received a few messages with well wishes and wonderings of where I have been. I have always said that I truly appreciate those of you who look out for me and who miss me when I am gone for too long. Thank you for your concerns. I admit I have been avoiding my blog and just how I was to say the following to all of you. So here goes.

A little over a week ago on the 21st I went in for my 10 week pre-natal appt. to find out that one of two things may be going on with my pregnancy. One, that I may not be as far along as we initially thought. Or, the other being that I may not be carrying a viable fetus that at some point stopped growing, resulting in a miscarriage. The news was shocking and in an instant fear and anxiety consumed me. I would take an hcg (hormone) test that day and follow up with a second test on Friday morning. A comparison of the two tests would uncover the truth. In the meantime, all we could do was sit and wait. The evening before this appt. Kevin and I attended a pre-natal class (one which we had taken before while pg with Bella) in that class were several women pregnant with their 2nd and some their 3rd, it is mandatory with Kaiser that you take this series of classes with every pregnancy. Ironically, one of the first questions they ask you in this class is what are your concerns if any. Most everyone answered the same, fear of miscarriage. I never thought in a million years that would become our reality. Friday came and after a long drawn out day of anxiously waiting for the Dr. to call, we accepted a late phone call with the sad news, my levels had gone down and I had miscarried.

In between all of this I was attempting to pack for our trip to Hawaii, scheduled for the next morning. All along I was a wreck, to go or not to go? It was awful, I had been left wondering since Wed. morning, was I pregnant or did I lose my baby? Needless to say, there was very little sleep over those 3 days for me. I cried myself to sleep that night. I awoke the next morning with a feeling of emptiness. However, in an attempt to be strong for Bella, as she can’t stand to see Mommy upset. I held tightly to my faith and reminded myself that God has a reason for everything he does….although I admit, sometimes it’s hard not to ask why?

In the meantime we decided to go ahead with our plans to Hawaii, almost afraid that if I didn’t go I would wind up spending everyday after that curled up in a ball under my covers. Along with the support of my husband, daughter as well as my parents we left for Hawaii as planned. As it turns out, we had a wonderful time and the support of my loving family was the best thing a girl could ever ask for at a time like this.

Slowly but surely I am dealing, and ultimately I know all will be well again soon. I am completely convinced that these bumps in the road of life serve to make us stronger and wiser individuals. It doesn’t mean I don’t cry myself to sleep or that I don’t get angry and that I don’t ask why? After all, I am human.

I am more thankful than words can say for the life of my precious daughter. She is a true blessing never to be taken for granted. When I hear the words “Babies are Miracles” it will forever have a far greater meaning in my book. I firmly believe that babies are a gift from heaven and an amazing work of a gracious and loving God. On behalf of myself, and Kevin we thank you for your heartfelt prayers and support.


jenny said...

{Hugs} to you Jillian.
You made me cry.

I am so happy that you did go to Hawaii & were able to spend time with your family.
Nothing's better than having your loved ones near when you need them most.


staceyfike said...

oh so sorry! if you need to talk i'm here!

lee woodside said...

Oh sweetie I am so sorry.

nicole said...

i have been so upset for you. please let us know if you need anything.

Anne Thompson said...

Jillian, I am so sorry. You are definately in my prayers.

Kimber-Leigh said...

Jillian...I am so sad and sorry to hear this. I will be praying for you, dear one.

scrapbook911 said...

Oh how my heart aches for you. I have never personally been thru a miscarriage but have so many friends and relatives that have. I've seen how difficult this is on families. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kelly said...

Jillian, I'm so very sorry for your loss. (((hugs))) and prayers for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

My beloved Jill,
You have been in our prayers. May the Lord fill your heart with His love and peace.
Turn to him for solace in this time of uncertainty. You may never understand why, but you will feel the peace of the Lord that surpasses all understanding.

laura vegas said...

so sorry for your loss. i'll be thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I am so truly and utterly sorry for you hubby and Bella. I really feel sad for you I wish I could fly over to you and just give you a hug I really do.I dont think one can ever put into words just how you feel but you are such a beautiful person and I know that you would have loads of wonderful friends and family to help you get through this!!!
much love to you and your family nicole irvin

jill said...

Oh, I am so so sorry that this has happened. I'm sure that this is such a hard time for you, but it sounds like you have a strong support system and a strong faith. I will keep you in my prayers!

Stacy said...

My hurt is hurting for you. I am so sorry and will be praying for you. I am happy that your parents are around for you during this time

Anne Thompson said...

hi Jillian. Glad to see you 'out and about' today! Thanx for the birthday wishes. I've been thinking about you alot, and praying for you! Take good care of yourself!

Anne Thompson said...

hi Jillian. Glad to see you 'out and about' today! Thanx for the birthday wishes. I've been thinking about you alot, and praying for you! Take good care of yourself!

Cass Hunter said...

Hi Jillian,
I have visited your blog from Lee Woodside's one, and was having a peek at you older posts when I came accross this one. I am so sorry that you have gone through this. I miscarried exactly the same week as you and was nearly 11 weeks pregnant. I was due sept 16. I hope you are healing and there is some light in your world. Know that I understand some of the pain you are experiencing.
take care of you.
Cassie H